You Can Never Fix A Relationship That’s Doomed To Fail
Even the best, most fitting, most picturesque relationships in the world don't operate without some work from both sides. Good relationships aren't always effortless, and many need a lot of checking in, reassessing, or serious discussions to keep going smoothly.
However, it's easy for the work to become unbalanced or for the work one person is doing to seemingly not improve anything. What happens when a relationship we put so much time and effort into never changes?
After leaving a long-term relationship, it might feel like you can never put yourself back out there; it's too hard to start from scratch.
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Trying To Fix What's Broken
We've all been there, desperately trying to salvage a relationship that seems to be falling apart at the seams. You pour your heart and soul into making things work, convinced that if you just try hard enough, everything will magically fall into place. But what if all that effort is in vain? What if the relationship was never meant to be in the first place?
Many people fall into the trap of believing that if they just try harder, if they love more intensely, they can fix any relationship. This mindset can lead to years of frustration and heartache. It's important to understand that while effort is important in maintaining healthy relationships, it's not always enough to save one that's fundamentally flawed.
All On Us
The idea that if we just put in more effort, show more love, or make more compromises, we can turn things around is extremely common. It's a natural instinct born from our desire to keep the relationships we love and avoid the pain of loss. But here's the thing, relationships are a two-way street, and no amount of effort from one person can compensate for fundamental incompatibilities or a lack of mutual investment.
This illusion of control can be comforting, but it's also dangerous. We end up exhausting ourselves emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically, all in pursuit of a relationship that might have been doomed from the start. Though it stings, sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to recognize when our efforts are futile.
Cracked Foundations
Think of a relationship like a house. No matter how much you decorate, renovate, or improve the interior, if the foundation is cracked, the whole structure is at risk. The same principle applies to our romantic partnerships. If the fundamental elements of compatibility, mutual respect, and shared values aren't there from the beginning, no amount of surface-level improvements will make the relationship truly stable and fulfilling.
This doesn't mean that every relationship needs to be perfect from day one. Growing together and overcoming challenges is part of what makes partnerships strong. But there's a difference between working through normal relationship hurdles and trying to force a connection that simply isn't there anymore.
Why We Stay Too Long
One of the reasons we often persist in trying to fix a doomed relationship is the idea of the sunk cost fallacy. We've invested so much time, energy, and emotion that the thought of walking away feels like admitting defeat. We tell ourselves, "I've put in so much already, I can't give up now."
It's important to remember that our past investments mean nothing if things still aren't better. Sometimes, the bravest and most self-loving thing we can do is acknowledge that despite our best efforts, things aren't working out. It's not giving up; it's recognizing the time to redirect our energy towards healthier, happier connections, including the one with ourselves.
Knowing When It's Time
Realizing that a relationship can't be saved is one of the most painful experiences we can go through. It feels like a personal failure, a uselessness in everything we've poured into the partnership. The grief can be overwhelming and make us want to cling even tighter to what we're losing. The truth that's hard but necessary to accept is that, sometimes, letting go is the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and for our partner.
Holding on to a relationship that's fundamentally flawed or incompatible doesn't just hurt us; it also prevents both people from finding other connections that better align with who they are and what they need. By living in denial, you only hold yourself back.
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Pain Into Growth
Once you've recognized that the relationship has reached its end, there's still the opportunity to learn and grow. By reflecting on what didn't work and why, we can gain insights into our own needs, wants, values, and patterns in relationships. This self-awareness then helps us later build healthier, more fulfilling partnerships.
Take time to consider what you've learned about yourself through this experience. What were the red flags you might have overlooked? What compromises did you make that went against your core values? Have you gained any new deal-breakers that you didn't know you had before?
There's A Future Ahead
After accepting that a relationship can't be saved, the path forward might seem daunting. The idea of starting over, of opening yourself up to new people all over again, it's overwhelming! But remember, every ending is also a beginning. By freeing yourself from a relationship that wasn't right, you're creating space for new experiences, growth, and, just maybe, a new relationship that fits you far better than you could have ever imagined.
This doesn't mean immediately dating the next person you meet. Take the time to heal, to rediscover yourself outside of the person you've now left behind. Invest in your friendships, pursue your passions, and focus on building a life that feels fulfilling and true to who you are. That will help set you up for your next romantic endeavor.
Work For What You Deserve
If this is a realization you've ever had or a thought process that feels familiar, know that this isn't the end of your story. It's a chapter, perhaps a difficult one, but one that can and will lead to a better future with better relationships.
Believe in the possibility of a love that fits exactly what you need and then some. Trust that by honoring your values and by refusing to settle for a relationship that isn't right, you're paving the way for a relationship that lets you be your most authentic self. Remember, you deserve a love that doesn't require you to exhaust yourself trying to make it fit.
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