Why Does Keeping A Secret Make You Feel So Bad? And How Can You Fix It?
We've all had a point in our lives where we were keeping a big secret. Maybe it was something sweet, a surprise party organized for a loved one, or maybe it was rather devastating, something about your or someone else's life that would change things forever if it were to ever come out.
Though secrets are extremely common to have, they're still usually met with such ire, especially within ourselves. What causes us to hate our secrets, and how can we stop it?
You don't need to use secrets, lying, or cheating to get what you want in life. The reality is much easier and purer than you've been led to believe.
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Sworn To Secrecy
Secrets are a part of human nature, we all have them, or we hold onto others', but despite their universality, they still often come with an unexpected emotional cost. From childhood pinky swears to adult confidences, the act of keeping information hidden can really mess with your head. Many people find themselves grappling with guilt, shame, and self-doubt when harboring secrets, even when it's either necessary or harmless to keep it.
But why do secrets have such a powerful impact on our psyche, and what can we do to manage it?
There's been some research into the topic that draws some eye-opening conclusions, so let's take a look and see if we can conquer our secret-keeping stresses.
It's Not The Secret...
So, first, what exactly is it about secrets that leaves us feeling so terrible? A 2022 study from Columbia University says that it isn't the act of keeping secrets that actually bothers us, but rather thinking about the secret is what triggers such negativity. People who dwell on and obsess over the secret they're keeping a more likely to feel distressed about it.
That's not the only metric, though, for the type of secret can also be a factor. Small white lies or positive secrets, such as keeping a birthday present a secret, usually won't leave someone feeling down, but a secret that could hurt someone if it ever got out, that's when the troublesome feelings arise.
Worse Than The Reality
These feelings can include shame, regret, discomfort, and guilt, all depending on the type of secret and the impact it could have. Though it's also important to remember that your reactions to a secret aren't an accurate measure of the secret's severity. It's not uncommon to become super fixated on a secret that isn't actually that big of a deal.
One small spark of anxiety can quickly send you down a spiraling path, and since it's impossible to know how a secret will truly affect someone until it's out, you're either left to worry or face the music.
Unproductive Stress
Though, the negativity we feel when keeping secrets isn't always a bad thing. Rarely can it ever get us out of the current situation, no amount of worrying is going to magically make you feel like you've repented enough for withholding that info, but it can help us learn valuable lessons about honesty.
Feelings like shame, which is entirely focused on the self and how bad we feel, don't do much for our development. Feelings like guilt and empathy make us prioritize the other person's reaction to and recovery from this secret. If we feel so bad because we know it's going to hurt the other person, we'll become less likely to keep another harmful secret in the future.
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The Path To Release
So, for better or for worse, thinking about secrets makes us feel terrible. What now? How do we diminish these feelings so we're not feeling so distressed?
The first and perhaps predictably simple suggestion is to just meditate on these secrets, especially ones you've been keeping for a long time. Why are you keeping it? Who are you keeping it from? Do they deserve to know? What would be more painful, you living with the secret or them knowing the truth? Is it something they could forgive you for? Do you trust that they would?
Earning Secrecy
Sometimes we hold onto a secret so long we lose sight of why we were keeping it in the first place, or the situation changes, and it's not as dire as it once was, but we were so used to keeping it that we never thought to stop.
You might also realize that the person you're keeping a secret for frankly doesn't deserve it. Maybe the secret you're keeping for them is letting them do something behind someone's back, and that's just not something you want to help them do anymore. In this instance, sharing the secret will still be painful and could have some repercussions, but you'll also be putting an end to someone's reign of terror.
Sharing Is Caring
Outside of spilling the secret to those involved, you could also confide in a trusted friend, a mental health professional, or even a journal. You could even create a ritual that involves writing and then burning the secret or throwing it into the sea if you really don't feel comfortable telling someone else.
This is just about release, the feeling of that weight being lifted on your shoulders when you've finally unburdened yourself. If you tell someone else, you two can talk about it and maybe come up with a way to solve the conflict. If you simply write it down, you've now gotten it out of your system and can fill that space with things that bring you joy instead.
The Weight Of A Secret
Ultimately, the goal is to find a balance between maintaining the necessary or less-serious secrets you have (as it's impossible for someone to never have a single secret) and living a life you still consider to be authentic. Recognizing that everyone has secrets and that keeping them doesn't define our worth can also help alleviate the feelings of shame that bubble up from time to time.
You're allowed to have secrets; you're allowed to keep parts of yourself private if you want to; it's only an issue when your secrets help beget harm or when they're making you feel worse than they're worth. Thankfully, with secrets, you always have the power to change things.
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