Therapists Share What Harms Married Peoples’ Happiness, And Marriages, The Most
Marriage troubles are a strangely taboo subject for many couples despite the fact that they're exceedingly common. No marriage is ever going to survive a lifetime without a spat or two, and to think so is, frankly, unrealistic.
However, it is possible to lessen the chances of big, relationship-ending fights from taking place by knowing what issues cause marriage struggles most often and avoiding them as best as you can.
You should never let a single moment of strife ruin a relationship, especially when you know that you can bounce back and that this isn't a deal-breaking argument, just a culmination of stress.
But knowing where to begin, especially when you're already in hard times, can feel impossible. The Healing Relationships Bundle is designed to help you pick up the pieces of your partnership and put them back together stronger than ever. Don't delay, click here to learn more.
Times Of Strife
Marriages, while wonderful as you get to spend forever with the person you love, can sometimes be fraught. Issues come up, arguments happen, and things don't always go as planned. While any random thing could make a marriage go south, professionals in this space have noticed certain patterns that are more likely to lead to the downfall of a relationship.
HuffPost consulted multiple relationship therapists and marriage counselors and shared their insights about what traits, habits, and events ruin happiness in married people the most.
1. Comparing Your Marriage To Others
Marriage and family therapist Abigail Makepeace believes that constantly comparing your marriage to other people's "can be dangerous to the health of the overall relationship."
"Although some comparisons might make you feel buoyed, overall, comparison generally leads to a negative self-view," she explained. “Since there is no way to be privy to all the experiences and information in someone else's marriage, typically you are comparing the day-to-day experiences of your own relationship to a social media or other highlight reel of the other marriage in question. That’s a lot of power to give away without having all the facts.”
Focusing On You
To remedy this, she recommends turning away from other couples and looking solely at yourself. "Instead of focusing on outward comparisons, spend time reflecting on how much you've grown as a couple or the difficulties you've overcome," she said. "This shift of thinking can lift your overall mood and challenge you to connect more deeply with your spouse."
If there are points of envy, work on turning them into points of development for your own marriage instead. "That dream vacation you might be envying? Invite your spouse into that processing, and perhaps turn it into a shared savings goal. Envy the amount of time another couple spends doing activities together? Use that as inspiration to carve out more time together.”
2. Having Kids
Yes, even though it's the goal of many couples, research has proven that marriage happiness tends to decline after having kids.
Clinical social worker Nicole Saunders spoke to this point, saying, "Many married couples share a common focus on the ultimate goal of building a family, yet often overlook the profound impact that having and raising children can have on their marriage. It's not uncommon that couples can trace the start of their disconnect back to the birth of their first child."
Don't Forget Each Other
However, she says that this rift that forms after having a child makes some sense. Raising a child is work, and sometimes that work proves to be too much "given the new responsibilities and the diminished resources in terms of time, finances, and sleep," she explained.
To prevent these common issues, she recommends making time for yourselves as a couple. "This can be as simple as setting aside 15 minutes in the morning to enjoy a cup of coffee together, or prioritizing quality time, without distractions like phones, before bedtime for cuddling and conversation. It also means finding time for sex and intimacy, considering the constraints of energy and time that come with parenting responsibilities."
3. Expecting Things To Stay The Same
While most people would find comfort in their marriage never changing, remaining as good as it was the day they got married forever, that's just not realistic. Spending any amount of time with someone means you're bound to grow, evolve, and change throughout, which can be stressful for some couples.
Therapist Lauren Bailey explained that many couples struggle to adapt to big changes in their partner's life, afraid the relationship will change as a result. "When we hold our partners or ourselves hostage and do not allow change, we do so at the expense of our individual and collective happiness," she explained.
Staying Open To Change
"The same is also true for other clients who are afraid of upsetting the status quo of their relationship when they realize something new or different about themselves."
The focus shouldn't be on keeping things the same but rather helping create a safe, constructive space for change to take place. As Bailey said, "Create the type of safe haven that they can bring back what they find about themselves, and ask for your partner to do the same for you. If the exploration scares you, make sure you have a place to voice those fears without shutting down your partner(s)' exploration."
4. Not Having Regular Check-Ins
When both halves of a marriage are considerably busy people, it's not uncommon for them to drift apart a bit, their connection running both thin and dry when they're not actively making time for it. Couples therapist David Narang believes that making dedicated, specific time to check in with one another can really ruin a relationship.
"This leaves you isolated from each other, and more vulnerable to more intense conflict and also to possible betrayals," he explained, saying couples should take each other's "emotional pulse on a near-daily basis."
One-On-One
How? He recommends spending at least 15 minutes every night talking about your days, really discussing them, and getting into natural conversation with one another.
Not only talking about what happened but also the "emotional impact of those events — e.g. joy, stress, fear or sadness — on each partner." He also emphasizes the importance of asking questions. "When we feel known by our partner, we are getting the closeness we need, and so we are spontaneously more likely to protect our couple."
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5. Putting Yourself Last
Though your instinct might always be to put your partner first, wanting to love them and treat them well, doing so can actually cause many a problem in marriages. As the saying goes, if you can't love yourself, how can you love somebody else?
Saunders spoke to this as well, saying, "If you hate your body, consistently put your personal aspirations aside, and disregard your emotional well-being, it becomes challenging to be your best self within the relationship."
You Have To Like You
The solution to this is simple, yes, but deceptively difficult for those who have struggled with issues relating to mental health or self-esteem in the past. Though it may be difficult, practicing these habits will improve not only your relationship but also your life as a whole.
To start, Saunders recommends, "Reserving time each day for self-care promotes self-confidence, a positive outlook and overall happiness. Infusing the relationship with this energy on a daily basis immediately improves the dynamic."
6. Blaming Your Partner For Your Unhappiness
On the flip side of the previous point, always blaming your partner for your unhappiness (or even believing they're responsible for your personal levels of happiness at all) will always end poorly. Sometimes, this is done on purpose; sometimes, it's a subconscious response, but no matter the origin, it always stings.
As Makepeace explained, "Although unintentional, spouses can channel the disappointment in their lives into anger towards their partner, or use them as a scapegoat for their own failings."
Knowing What's Not Their Fault
"We are sometimes deeply affected by the actions of our partners," she said. “But just as with all other relationships, we can only control our own actions.”
While your spouse is a major part of your life, it is not their job or responsibility to mediate your feelings. They want to share in your joys; they want to comfort you in times of sadness, but they are not the cause of either of those things. If they are genuinely causing you pain, that's a separate issue that needs to be discussed. If something unrelated to them happened and you believe them to be part of that problem by virtue of them being married to you, that's on you.
7. Not Asking For Help
Refusing to ask for help or support can slowly lead to the dissolution of a marriage. This doesn't mean support from your spouse either, but rather professional support for when times get tough, be they couples or personal therapists.
"It might sound self-serving as a therapist to say to 'get a therapist,' but trust and believe that your relational counselor is also in therapy and talking about their relationships," Bailey said. "No one is an island."
Built Better
This doesn't just have to be therapy, either. This could mean talking to a support group, your social circle, or a trusted family member to help you work through issues you may be having.
"I find that people who are unwilling to talk about their relationship, warts and all, to their support networks are doing so at the expense of their happiness," Bailey said. "Your support network is not there to judge your partner, but rather to support you. Let them be there for you. It can make a world of difference."
Better Together
There's no shame in admitting a marriage is in a rough spot or is facing some struggles. Every married couple has been through something similar, something they also likely felt shame about at the time.
What's important is that you don't let it spiral down in silence. You talk it out, you get the help you need, you work things through, and you make mature, joint decisions about how you can both be better. The best marriages aren't the ones that never have issues, they're the ones that work through those issues together.
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