The 3 Most Common Things Therapists Hear From Struggling Adult Children
When adult children vent about their familial relationships, especially those with their parents, common themes emerge. They often wish they could connect with their parents better, yet feel shut down, misunderstood, or dismissed.
It's not uncommon for rifts to form as children become adults and further develop into their own person, but what do these rifts look like, and how do they hurt the child in question?
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Into Adulthood
Many adult children wrestle with deep-seated feelings about their relationship with their parents. It hurts, but it's true. These struggles often have roots that go back to childhood but have grown in complexity over the years, eventually becoming too big for any one person to deal with on their own.
Counseling psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph. D., shared the three most common themes he sees in the people he helps regarding their relationship with their parents. Do these sentiments reveal some dark patterns in that generation of parenting?
"I still feel like I'm not good enough for my parents."
For many adults, this sense of "not being enough" is something that quietly shadows their lives. They might hold impressive jobs, have fulfilling relationships, or be financially independent, yet a voice in their brain tells them they're still somehow falling short. This feeling often begins in childhood, when parents' standards or expectations, whether academic, behavioral, or moral, feel unreachable. Over time, this can develop into a lasting self-criticism that damages the child's self-worth.
A big challenge here is that no accomplishment seems to close the gap. They'll always worry about whether their parents would approve of their life choices. For many, this means an ongoing need for validation but a hesitancy to ask for it.
"I wish my parents would ask me how I'm doing—and listen."
Many adult children feel that their conversations with their parents lack depth, understanding, and empathy. They may wish for more genuine interest from their parents about what's really going on in their lives, something beyond surface-level questions or the usual family updates, but they often find that conversations either drift into shallow topics or turn into one-sided exchanges where their thoughts are brushed aside.
The frustration isn't about needing to be the center of attention but about wanting a parent who sees them as a whole person, who listens with curiosity rather than with preformed answers or solutions. They want parents who ask open-ended questions, who make them feel seen, and who don't judge or pressure them to have it all together.
"I don't feel like I’m allowed to have boundaries with my parents."
Boundaries are essential to any healthy relationship, yet setting them with parents can feel nearly impossible for some adult children. They may worry about disappointing, angering, or annoying their parents, feeling guilt for not being as available as they would like. Some adult children find themselves taking on excessive responsibility for their parents' emotional needs, feeling obligated to always respond immediately to every call, question, or request (and respond favorably at that).
This can create a habit of overextension, where the adult child is constantly putting their own needs on the back burner. They may feel overwhelmed, stretched too thin, or even resentful, yet they continue to worry about being seen as selfish if they try to establish any boundaries.
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Working Through It
For many struggling adult children, therapy becomes the space to sort through these complex emotions and begin to make sense of what they're experiencing. It's not someone anyone should expect to do on their own.
The goal isn't solely to blame the parents or perfectly fix anyone but to help each person find a way to honor their feelings, communicate effectively, and build respectful relationships. This is a place where adult children can build their confidence so they feel comfortable confronting their parents about the hurt they've caused.
Finding Healing
Building healthier relationships with your parents as adults can be difficult, even with help, and especially when these patterns run deep. By acknowledging these feelings and learning the importance of expressing needs and boundaries, these adult children can hopefully begin to find a balance that allows them to stay connected to their parents without losing themselves.
In time, they often find the validation they've been looking for, not necessarily from their parents but from within.
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