Psychologist Reveals The 2 Signs That Your Proposal Is A “Shut Up Ring”
Proposals are such a classic, romantic milestone for a relationship. It's evidence of their undying love and a promise that a much larger, grander ceremony is in their future. Above all else, it's a commitment, not just to each other, but to your future together.
That is, until someone proposes with less-than-stellar intentions in mind. There are cases where a proposal can be used for manipulation rather than love, and it's important to know how to tell the difference.
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A Loving Future
Proposals and subsequent marriages are meant to be some of the happiest times in a couple's life. They're fully committing to one another and proudly declaring their love and devotion to one another.
However, like many things, just because the nature of the occasion is positive doesn't mean the intentions are. Psychologist Mark Travers explained to Forbes about the concept of a "shut up ring" and what the signs are that your fiancé just gave you one.
All The Wrong Reasons
First, let's describe what a "shut up ring" even is. The name is rather self-explanatory; it's a ring that's meant to quiet, placate, or satisfy the recipient without there actually being that kind of connection in turn.
If one person wants marriage and makes it known while the other seems indifferent or non-committal, they may give their eager significant other a ring to get them to stop being so "pushy" about marriage. The proposal should satisfy them for a while and get them off the giver's back.
Shutting It Down
If that sounds rude and callous, that's because it is! This isn't a ring given with love behind it, and oftentimes there's little desire to actually get married, with the giver often dragging out the time between the proposal and the wedding for as long as they can.
And, perhaps predictably, should a marriage happen anyway, they usually don't last long if they started with a "shut up ring." The proposal happened for all the wrong reasons and that set a very palpable precedent for the rest of the marriage.
How can you tell if an engagement ring is actually a shut up ring? There are two major tells.
1. The Timing Is Tactical
Timing is a major factor in determining whether or not a proposal happened with a shut up ring. Think, did this proposal happen soon after a conflict? Especially if that conflict was about commitment, marriage, or the couple's future. Was the recipient feeling doubtful about the relationship before the other person swooped in to save it with a marriage?
This also applies if the giver has always seemed avoidant or dodgy about the future. A proposal amid a complete lack of discussion about what your lives will look like down the road is a major red flag.
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2. The Relationship Has Commitment Issues
It's one thing to avoid discussions about commitment; it's another to already be unfaithful. After discovering that a partner has cheated, it's not uncommon for the person cheated on to give the cheater an ultimatum. Either leave or commit to the current relationship. When choosing the latter, it's not unheard of for the cheater to go all in, "proving" their newfound loyalty with a ring.
This does nothing to solve the underlying issue, though. It's a bandaid solution to a very, very large problem, meaning these engagements and marriages tend to fall apart in the long run.
Only The Best
Knowing the warning signs behind a proposal can really open your eyes to someone's dark intentions. Rather than maturely solving the relationship's problems or even breaking up if they're incompatible, some people would rather cling to the familiar than be faced with the unknown, and that's why they buy a shut up ring. They'd rather their partner be complacent and continue to put up with their bad behavior than actually try to change said behavior.
Anyone who's been the victim of a shut up ring is worth so much more than the person who proposed with it. There are good, loving, devoted partners out there. Don't hang onto people who don't deserve your love.
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