Oncologist Shares The 4 Most Common Phrases He Hears As People’s Last Words
Thinking about death is scary, yes, but it reaches us all at some point. We begin to seriously ponder what will happen to us at the end, not just after death, but in the moments before. Who will we be with? How will it happen? What will we be thinking? What will we regret?
These may seem like unanswerable questions, but there's some info out there from those who spend a lot of their time around the dying that grants us a bit of insight as to what might be in our heads during our last moments.
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Our Final Breaths
Someone's last words obviously carry a lot of weight, both to themselves and the people around them when they die. Last words can be relieving, devastating, heart-warming, or even funny; they encapsulate what a person was thinking in their final moments and what that says about them.
Though someone could really say anything as their final words, an oncologist has noted the four phrases that he heard the most from his dying patients, spoken with their last breaths.
All He's Seen
Siddhartha Mukherjee is a Pulitzer Prize winning author, physician, and biologist who's written books about cancer, genetic research, and cell discovery. He's now an associate professor of medicine in the Division of Hematology and Oncology at the Columbia University Medical Center in New York City.
He was recently invited to give a commencement speech at the University of Pennsylvania, during which he revealed the phrases he heard the most from dying patients over the years, introducing them by saying, "Every person that I've met in this moment of transition wanted to make four offerings. Two statements and two questions."
Last-Ditch Efforts
The four phrases are:
- "I want to tell you that I love you."
- "I want to tell you that I forgive you."
- "Would you tell me that you love me?"
- "Would you give me your forgiveness?"
The sentences themselves are paraphrased, but the themes are real, as Mukherjee then went on to explain that people who know they're dying would usually say in some way that they waited far too late to show appreciation for the people in their lives or to try and correct their mistakes.
Living With Pain
He said that instead of trying to release negativity and heal wounds caused by the inevitable pains we all face, people harbor grudges, live with feelings of guilt, and are afraid to be vulnerable, causing this emotional backup that gets released close to death.
During the speech, Mukherjee asked the large audience of graduates and their loved ones to perform an exercise. If someone was there with friends or family, they were asked to turn to them, while those attending alone were asked to close their eyes and imagine someone they'd like to share this with.
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Spreading The Love
He then asked them to repeat the very phrases he listed. "Turn to someone that matters in your life, turn mentally, turn physically, and say to them, 'I want to tell you that I love you. I want to tell you that I forgive you. Would you tell me that you love me? Would you grant me your forgiveness?'"
A murmur can be heard from the crowd as they answer his call, sharing love and forgiveness across the stadium seats.
Making Our Own Love
"Love and forgiveness, death and transition. Waiting [to express yourself] merely delays the inevitable," he continued once everyone was done. "Do it, perhaps, when you cross the door, or as you depart for the airport with your overstuffed suitcases, just as you will do it when you await the final crossing."
His speech not only shares the thoughts that many people will cling to as they die, a morbid thing we all wonder about, but it also contains a beautiful message for the young graduates. "[...] Take this seriously," he urged. "You're living in a world where love and forgiveness have become meaningless, outdated platitudes. [...] But I dare you to use these words meaningfully again. Use them, but not as empty cliches, imbue them with real meaning. Do it your way, whatever that way is."
