Is The ‘Toxic In-Law’ Trope Even Real?
If you have in-laws, what's your relationship with them like? Do you get along great, are you fine but distant, or is there a distrust between you that has ruined any chance of you ever liking them?
In-law relationships can be tough to navigate, but they're still incredibly important, especially since there's a partner you love stuck in the middle of it all. There's this belief that in-laws are inherently terrible, but where does this belief stem from? And is it really true?
Issues with parents don't have to begin with parents-in-law. Our natal parents can cause plenty of harm as we grow, leaving us with scars that affect us decades in the future.
If you think you may have suffered some childhood trauma but don't know where to begin recovering from it, there's hope to be had. This free, simple quiz will help you uncover the core roots of your trauma and provide guidance on how to start your healing journey. Click here to learn more today and open the door to a happier future.
In-Law Issues
In-laws tend to get a pretty bad rep. Think about any media depiction of in-laws or any social media story you hear. They all tell of the evil misdeeds done by the in-laws, of how terrible their actions are, of how manipulative or abusive or crazy they are. This goes doubly for mother-in-laws, as they tend to get the worst of it all.
Are in-laws really like this, though? Does the stereotype of evil or toxic in-laws have any basis in reality?
Bad Apples
Of course, there's the potential for in-laws to be toxic, but that's true for any person in any role. There's nothing especially unique about in-laws that makes them more likely to be this way. That doesn't stop the population at large from painting them in that kind of light, though.
This societal belief that in-laws are inherently bad can really do damage, potentially sabotaging in-law relationships before they even begin to form. After all, if all you heard about in-laws is that they're evil people out to ruin your relationship, wouldn't you be apprehensive upon finally getting to meet them?
Sensationalism Spreads
The reality is that a small portion of in-law relationships make up the most of outrageous stories, and because it's the outrageous stories that spread, that's all people ever hear of in-laws that aren't their own.
As for their role in media, troublesome in-laws make for an easy plot point in romance and drama movies, as they're antagonists that majorly affect and interact with the main characters without them being too intrusive. After enough bad press, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, with more people relating to bad in-law stories as that's all they ever see.
Better Than Ever
Not only is it disingenuous to warp the public image of in-laws to such a degree, it's also just flat-out wrong. Studies have shown that most in-laws have a favorable relationship with each other and even enjoy spending time together.
How this public image of toxic in-laws came to overpower the true reality of in-laws getting along just fine is more than likely due to sensationalism. People love a highly dramatic story full of conflict over a normal, everyday type of story where everything is calm.
Affecting Us Personally
This inherent distrust of in-laws caused by the media isn't helping this public perception either. People will often exaggerate things their in-laws have done to make them out to be worse than they are in order to fit in with some narrative (or, in worse cases, in order to purposefully separate their partner from their family, but that's a separate issue).
Characterizing everything someone does as toxic, manipulative, or even generally bad in some kind of way is bound to put a sour tone on the whole relationship.
A Happier Family
Keeping away from negative views of in-laws, namely parents-in-law, is important too! Studies have shown that the relationship a child-in-law has with their parents-in-law impacts not only their happiness in marriage but also things like grandparent relationships with their grandchildren and the future of those grandparents when they grow older and need care. The worse the in-law relationship, the less likely they are to receive help from that child and their spouse.
If negative views of in-laws, or even petty fights that are overall forgivable, have tainted the way you see your in-laws, there are ways you can unlearn this pattern of thinking.
Human Flaws
First, stop holding your in-laws in a category of their own. At the end of the day, they're people, and people make mistakes. Nobody's perfect. We all commit wrongs, we're all bound to slip up, it's not made worse by the fact that they're in-laws.
Also, remember that some families do things differently. Some things you might not ever have stood for in your own family are common practices in another. If you're facing some confusion or fear a misunderstanding, ask your partner if that's standard for their family. Much more will come out of a civil discussion than silent resentment.
Generational Divide
It's also worth considering that your parents-in-law are from another generation. There are wide swaths of differences between what they consider acceptable and 'the norm' versus what you do. If they do something you find harmful, it may just be because they haven't got the memo that it isn't okay anymore.
Lastly, be conscious of how you interpret their actions. Do you assume that everything they do is with malice? What if you tried forcing a positive spin on it instead? This is simply an exercise meant to bring awareness to your instincts regarding them. Writing off everything they do as terrible as soon as they do it won't help anyone here.
Your In-Laws, Your Life
Of course, this is all subjective. No one is saying you have to forgive your in-laws for everything they do. Some in-laws are terrible, some aren't worth forgiveness, and some are better left cut out of your life.
There are no absolutes here. No one can be granted immediate forgiveness or blame, no group of people or individual family member. We're all uniquely different people with uniquely different experiences and worldviews. How you manage your own family is up to you, but it's always important to reflect and ensure we aren't letting any societally enforced negativity sour those relationships.
A positive family system is something we should all strive for because it's not something we were all allowed to have in our youth. The effects of childhood trauma are long-lasting and poisonous. It's not something that should be thought of lightly.
That's not to say there's nothing that can be done about its effects, though. Just one simple step, like this free and easy quiz, can help identify the elements you struggle with most and help you get your footing on your healing journey. Get started today, and allow yourself some peace.
