Harvard Psychologist Exposes 9 Phrases Toxic Gaslighters Will Always Use
No matter what our relationship with ourselves is, be it differing levels of confidence or self-esteem, we generally come to trust ourselves with time. We know what we feel, we know what we believe, and we know what happens to us. But what if someone came in and changed all that, though? What would that mean for us?
Gaslighters aim to do exactly that, wanting to undermine our own faith in order to feel dependent on them. There are some phrases you can look out for that'll help you spot a gaslighter, so keep an ear out before it's too late.
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Secret Shame
Having a gaslighter enter your life, though you wouldn't know it at the time, is scary. All of a sudden, someone who's behaving like they love you is also telling you that you're wrong, that you're not remembering things right, or that you can't be trusted.
None of that is true, of course. Gaslighters lie, and they lie so they can keep you under their control. Harvard psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren wrote for CNBC describing nine of the toxic phrases that gaslighters use, here's what they mean and how to respond.
1. "You're being crazy."
Gaslighters often call their victims "crazy" to undermine their credibility and make them question their own sanity. This tactic aims to delegitimize the victim's feelings and perceptions, causing them to doubt their judgment, memory, and reality. By branding someone as irrational, the gaslighter avoids addressing the real issues and shifts the focus away from their own behavior.
Response: "My feelings and perceptions are valid." / "Calling me crazy doesn't address the issue at hand." / "Let's focus on discussing the facts and how we both feel rather than dismissing my emotions."
2. "You're overreacting."
When a gaslighter tells their victim they're "overreacting," they're minimizing the victim's feelings and discrediting their experiences. This diminishment serves to make the victim feel ashamed or guilty for expressing their emotions, thus making them less likely to do so in the future. The gaslighter uses this tactic to avoid accountability and to make the victim feel their responses aren't worth vocalizing.
Response: "I understand you might see things differently, but my feelings are important and real to me." / "Instead of saying I'm overreacting, let's talk about why this situation is affecting me this way and work together to find a solution."
3. "I was just joking."
Gaslighters often mask hurtful comments with humor, claiming they were "just joking" to deflect responsibility and make the victim seem overly sensitive for being hurt. This tactic invalidates the victim's feelings and places the blame on them for not having a sense of humor, furthering the gaslighter's control.
Response: "Regardless of whether you intended it as a joke, your comment was hurtful." / "It's important to respect my feelings and communicate in a way that doesn't cause harm." / "Let's be mindful of how our words impact each other."
4. "You made me do it."
This phrase also shifts responsibility from the gaslighter to the victim, but in a different manner, implying that the victim's behavior caused the gaslighter's actions. This tactic is designed to make the victim feel guilty and responsible for the gaslighter's behavior, which further entrenches the victim in the cycle of abuse.
Response: "Your actions are your responsibility, not mine." / "It's unfair and inaccurate to blame me for something you chose to do." / "Let's discuss what happened without placing blame and figure out how to move forward together."
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5. "If you loved me, you'd let me do what I want."
Gaslighters use this phrase to equate love with unconditional compliance, pressuring the victim to abandon their boundaries and values to prove their affection. This tactic exploits the victim's feelings of love and loyalty, making them feel guilty for setting limits or denying the gaslighter displays of affection when they're feeling uncomfortable.
Response: "Love and respect go hand in hand. Loving someone doesn't mean sacrificing your own values and boundaries." / "I care about you deeply, but it's important that we both respect each other's needs and feelings."
6. "I'm only telling you this because I love you."
By framing their criticism or control as an act of love, gaslighters create confusion and guilt in their victims. This tactic makes it hard for the victim to see the manipulation because it disguises harmful behavior as concern and affection. Victims want to be loved, so they'll choose to believe in love, even when more sinister feelings are at play.
Response: "I appreciate that you care about me, but your words are hurting me." / "Love should make us feel supported and valued, not criticized."
7. "This is all your fault."
When at the end of their rope or when they're unable to mask their cruelty any longer, gaslighters will flat-out blame their victims for problems in the relationship, deflecting responsibility from themselves. These words create a sense of guilt and self-blame in the victim, making them feel responsible for the issues and more likely to accept the gaslighter's control to try and fix them.
Response: "We both contribute to the dynamics of our relationship. Blaming each other won't solve anything." / "Let's work together to understand what's going wrong and how we can improve things for both of us."
8. "Everyone agrees with me, you're just difficult."
Gaslighters use the supposed agreement or consensus of others to validate their claims and isolate the victim. By suggesting that "everyone" sees the victim as difficult, the gaslighter discredits the victim's feelings and makes them feel alienated and unsupported. Of course, this is never true, the gaslighter is just feeding the victim more lies so they'll feel worse about themselves.
Response: "It's important to hear directly from others rather than making assumptions about their opinions." / "Regardless of what others might think, our relationship is between us, and we need to address our issues together."
9. "The real problem is…"
Gaslighters often change the course of a conversation by redirecting it to a different issue, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for their actions. This tactic prevents them from having to acknowledge anything they've done, confuses the victim, and prevents resolution of the immediate problem, meaning nothing ever gets better.
Response: "It's important to stay focused on the current issue." / "Deflecting to another topic won't help us address what's bothering me right now." / "Let's resolve this issue first, then we can talk about any other concerns."
Believing In Yourself
Being able to tell when someone in your life is an active gaslighter is an invaluable skill. Gaslighters are sneaky, their tactics are such that you're not supposed to realize they're happening to you, they actively undermine your confidence and try to strip you of your sense of self. Being able to put a stop to it or walk away before it gets that bad will stop a gaslighter in their tracks.
If you ever feel even a hint of gaslighting in your relationship, you need to talk things out. Things can't progress when there's potential manipulation happening; stand up to it now to protect your future.
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