Many of us would do anything for the people we love. We'd go to the ends of the Earth for them, wanting to take away any and all of their pain if we can. In that pursuit, many of us wind up overextending ourselves, fizzling out while trying to keep the other person's spark alive.
How can we stop ourselves from doing this? How can we help others in a healthy way, one that doesn't leave us exhausted in the long run?
Being too giving, to the point that it breaks us down, is often a sign of people pleasing, a defense mechanism born from trauma.
Recognizing this trait can be the first step on the path of healing and support you didn't know you needed. Take this FREE quiz to see if you have any buried childhood trauma and learn what you can do to heal from it.
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When someone we care about is struggling, we want to help. That may be staying up late to listen to their problems, offering advice, taking them out to take their mind off things, or even trying to fix their situation somehow. We want to do what we can to ease the pain, even at our own expense sometimes.
It's important to know how to help people without taking on their pain, because if we hold onto too much and carry that weight with us, it can very easily lead to burnout. Then, we'll be in no state to help anyone, not our loved ones, and certainly not ourselves.
To learn how to do this, we have to understand empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It's what we use when we offer comfort, picturing ourselves in the other person's shoes, immersing ourselves in what they must be feeling.
However, there's a fine line between empathy and absorbing someone else's emotional state entirely, internalizing their struggles to the point where we feel responsible for solving their problems or alleviating their suffering.
When we cross that line, we risk becoming overwhelmed and unable to provide the support we want to give. If you're starting to feel anxious, afraid, or extremely sad over your loved one's situation outside of when they're discussing it with you, you might be straying away from mere empathy and starting to absorb too much.
You're allowed to put distance between yourself and the other person's issues. In fact, that's a very healthy thing to do! Becoming completely swamped by someone else's emotions means you'll be too weary to help them further. Now you're both struggling. Who benefits from that?
How can we avoid doing that, then? One of the most valuable ways to support someone is through active listening. This means giving them your full attention, acknowledging their feelings, and allowing them to express themselves without judgment.
It's important to resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or try to fix their problems. Sometimes, people just need to be heard and validated. This is better for them, as it allows them to process their feelings without pressure, and you can spend your energy being attentive rather than fretting over a fix.
When practicing active listening, focus on understanding their perspective rather than formulating responses or advice. Use phrases like "I hear you" or "That sounds really difficult" to show that you're present and empathetic.
Remember that your role is not to solve their problems but to provide a safe space for them to process their emotions and thoughts. This also helps you not feel crushed under the (often self-imposed) expectation that you need to find a solution for their troubles.
The best way to help heal others is by first healing yourself. This FREE quiz will help you uncover the roots and reasons for your trauma, then set you on the path to a happier, healthier future.
While it's important to be there for others, it's equally important to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. This means recognizing your own limits and communicating them clearly to your loved ones. Always remember that it's okay to say no or to take time for yourself when you need it. Setting boundaries doesn't mean you care less; it means you're taking care of yourself so you can continue to offer support in a sustainable way.
As mentioned earlier, if you work yourself into weariness by extending past your own boundaries, you'll burn out. A dying flame helps nobody.
Instead, be honest about what you can and cannot do. If you're feeling overwhelmed, it's okay to say, "I care about you, but I'm not in the best place to help right now." Encourage your loved ones to seek professional help if their struggles are beyond your capacity to support them. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish; you need to look out for yourself as you do for others.
If the other person is demanding of your time or trying to push past your boundaries anyway, then they don't actually want help or support. They're just trying to get you to bear the burden of their problems.
It's natural to want to help solve others' problems, but you have to also encourage self-reliance and problem-solving skills in the other person. Instead of offering direct solutions, try asking questions that help them explore their own thoughts and feelings. This approach empowers them to find their own answers and develop coping strategies that work for them.
Use open-ended questions like "What do you think would help in this situation?" or "How have you handled similar challenges in the past?" This not only helps them develop their problem-solving skills but also reinforces the idea that they have the strength to overcome their challenges.
Sometimes, the challenges our loved ones face may be beyond our capacity to support them. It's important to recognize when professional help is needed and to know how to suggest it sensitively. Look for signs like persistent low mood, significant changes in behavior, or expressions of hopelessness.
When suggesting professional help, approach the topic with tact. You might say something like, "I care about you and want to support you, but I think a professional might be able to offer more specialized help." Offer to assist them in finding resources or even accompany them to their first appointment if they're comfortable with that. You're not giving up on them or handing them off to someone else; you're helping them get the support that will help in the long term.
It's a delicate balance, being there for the people you love most while also protecting your own mental health. If you're a chronic people pleaser, highly empathetic, or just someone who cares deeply about others, it's even harder to draw those lines.
It's a skill that takes time to develop, and there may still be moments when you feel overwhelmed. In those times, remind yourself that you're doing your best and that it's okay to step back and recharge. Being there for others is an essential part of human connection; we're all part of a support network that's meant to uplift and aid those in our community who need it, but that doesn't mean you should work yourself to the bone for it. You still have your own life to live.
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