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Growing up with siblings can add a lot to one's life. There's a lot to be learned from our siblings, a lot of experiences we would have never had were they not there, and plenty of good times shared with our family.
But, as anyone with siblings could tell you, it's not always sunshine and rainbows with them. Family dynamics, in general, can change greatly once siblings are introduced, with some siblings feeling those effects much more than others.
The weight of family struggles or trauma in youth can stick with someone forever, wearing down their self-esteem until they're left without any confidence. Keep reading to learn more about this condition.
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Anyone who has any sort of sibling knows how intricate and personal sibling dynamics can be. Despite having the same parents, two children can wind up completely different from one another, not just because of their unique selves but also because of the different ways those same parents raised them.
While all siblings feel the effects of their birth order, no one feels it harder than the eldest sisters of the family, so much so that their experience has been given a name, eldest daughter syndrome.
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The term 'eldest daughter syndrome' has come to mean the unique, complex experience that eldest daughters tend to have growing up. It's a segment of birth-order dynamics, the idea that your place among your siblings (being the oldest, youngest, or middle child) shapes your upbringing in specific ways that only fellow members of that birth order understand.
In the case of eldest daughters/oldest sisters, much of their childhood is spent taking on a caretaker role for their younger siblings at the behest of their parents. This means heightened household responsibilities, emotional labor, and childhood time lost on taking care of others.
It's not easy, and many of these eldest daughters start taking on these added burdens at a very young age.
The concept of eldest daughter syndrome has grown in popularity recently due to its presence on social media, with many of these eldest daughters now finding the words to express how their upbringing shaped who they are today, both the tools it gave them and the issues it left them with.
Many describe feeling othered from their siblings, noticing the massive differences in the ways their parents treated them versus the children that came after them.
Dr. Abigail Lev, a therapist from San Francisco, spoke to Verywell about this phenomenon. "The eldest daughter or eldest siblings, in general, are kind of like the 'test' siblings because they are the first child. The next child gets better treatment, benefiting from the learnings from the first child," she explained.
This ends up putting a massive amount of pressure on these daughters, as they not only have to perform care-taking alongside their parents at a much younger age, but they also have to set examples, be teachers, and bear the worst of their parents' punishments as they learn how to raise a child.
This also affects the relationships the siblings have with one another. Younger siblings might consider their older sister to be bossy as she acts too much like their parents, while the sister might look at her younger siblings with disdain, envious of the way they were treated compared to her.
Eldest daughters feel enormous pressure to be perfect while also facing bigger backlash for any supposed mistake. It's no wonder so many women are venting their frustrations with the phenomenon of eldest daughter syndrome.
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Though, it's important to note that eldest daughter syndrome isn't actually a syndrome, it's not something you can be diagnosed with, but that doesn't mean there's no real science behind it.
A 15-year-long study from the University of California showed that first-born daughters do actually mature faster than other children of other birth orders and more so than first-born sons as well. They're also more likely to experience adrenarche puberty.
Adrenarche puberty is when a child experiences some symptoms of puberty, such as some cognitive maturation or body hair growth, without any other symptoms showing. This adrenarche puberty was even more common in eldest daughters whose mothers experienced high levels of prenatal stress.
So, we know loosely what eldest daughter syndrome is, and we know it has basis in real science, but how does it actually affect the eldest daughter in the long run?
As Dr. Lev explained, "The eldest daughter usually has the most expectations or responsibilities placed on her, feeling pressured to succeed, achieve, or take care of the family. They're more likely to feel shame and guilt but also tend to be more independent."
Eldest daughters are also prone to heightened levels of anxiety, perfectionism, identity struggles, and issues in developing healthy relationships.
They may also struggle with self-esteem and feel as though they lack support, even when facing hard times. Having always been seen as self-sufficient, their troubles are deemed less important, or they are instantly believed to be fine on their own, so people are less likely to reach out and help them.
What can eldest daughters do to break free from this cycle, though? Dr. Lev says the key is in letting go of the need to have your family see things your way. "If you're in the villain role in the family, see if you can just accept it and not try to change the family system's perspective."
"The eldest daughter usually views the family system very differently if she has siblings," she continued. "The younger siblings tend to idealize the parents and see the better parts of the parents and the family system. The eldest daughter needs to let go of any desire to shape the perspective or get them to see reality."
Outside of that release, she recommends developing and enforcing strong boundaries, learning to be more assertive, ensuring independence doesn't become self-reliance, and being endlessly compassionate for themselves.
Being the eldest daughter is hard. A mix of gender norms regarding caretaking, specific family dynamics, and childhood that's out of your control can all build into a very frustrating, taxing state of mind in the future.
You did not deserve the amount of pressure placed upon you, and you don't deserve to continue living under that same pressure today. There's a life for you out there, free from the confines of being the eldest daughter, a life you can chase, a life you can reach, so long as you spread your wings and leap for it.
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