Young people are somewhat raised on the idea that romance and love is always idyllic. There may be debates, but true love should never have any fights, any flaws, or any slights between a couple. If one half thinks something even slightly negative about the other, the relationship should be called off.
Of course, that's not even close to reality, as anyone who's ever been in a long-term relationship will tell you. That doesn't mean some thoughts don't leave you feeling bad or unsure how to progress. For example, what are you meant to do if you find your partner annoying?
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No relationship is ever perfect, but that's only because no person is ever perfect. Even the person you love the most will have some habits, hobbies, or general behaviors that you don't like, that's just being human!
But what if it grows from there? What if a minor quirk that you can easily brush off becomes a repeated offense that you can no longer overlook? What do you do if your partner really and truly annoys you?
Of course, most people would feel some amount of guilt in this situation. You don't want to think negatively about the people you love, no matter the circumstances. However, it might be a more frequent phenomenon than you might expect.
Namely, because our brains are fickle things. 'Annoyance' can be triggered by just about anything, reasonable or not, and it's tough to control if you're not aware of it. For example, a 2014 study of 61 students in relationships of at least six months proved that we even sometimes get annoyed over things that didn't happen. The participants reported that merely dreaming of their partner being unfaithful had them feeling more annoyed with that partner the next day, even though nothing truly happened.
Another study done in 2022 interviewed 79 newlywed couples and found that those who were going through stressful times were more aware, and thus more irritated, by their partner's 'negative' qualities or quirks.
So, if you find yourself feeling annoyed with your partner lately, ask yourself a few things. Is their behavior actually becoming more frequent/worse, or are you just perceiving things that way? Have you been facing any stress lately? Are you taking out that stress on your partner, even silently or subconsciously?
Asking yourself questions like that and examining the true sources of your feelings of irritation is a great place to start, but what if it continues? How do you deal with long-term annoyance that could cause a sizeable rift in your relationship?
First, remember that feelings like this are sort of bound to happen in any relationship that lasts long enough to get there. Being annoyed isn't a sign that you're failing as a couple, it just means there's a pain point that needs to be worked out, and that can be done a few different ways.
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The first and perhaps most obvious choice is talking about it with your partner, but this comes with some caveats. If the behavior you find annoying is something that's fixable and not important, as in you won't be insulting your partner by bringing it up, then do it. Chances are they'll also want to stop doing whatever it is that bothers you.
If it's something more sensitive, something that's important to them, that might hurt their feelings or something you're sure they wouldn't be able to stop, then you need to consider more serious options like couple's therapy. There comes a point where you have to decide whether this issue is going to be a permanent problem between you two.
Things probably won't be like this forever, though. Annoyance passes, we get better at managing our feelings as we age, and we grow even closer to our loved ones at that same time, meaning every couple matures together. A recent study found that, while levels of annoyance remain roughly the same across couples of different ages, older couples reported it having less of an effect on their overall well-being.
It's also worth remembering that annoyance doesn't mean things have to change! Another study surveyed over 2000 adults, one-third of whom reported that their partner was the "most irritating person they knew," but over 40% of that same sample also said that they would never change their partner's 'annoying' habits for the world, as it was part of what makes them unique.
So, what can you do if your partner annoys you? You've got a few options, all of which involve some deep introspection about your relationship and its future, but be sure to remind yourself that this is nothing to be worked up about.
Being annoyed is normal, finding someone you love annoying is normal, and none of this ever spells the end of your relationship. We're all a beautiful mix of our best and worst traits. Even in our low moments, that's always worth celebrating.
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