9 Struggles That Parentified Daughters Face Every Day

Too Much Too Soon

To be parentified means that a child is given adult responsibilities at far too young an age. This phenomenon is most often seen in daughters, especially eldest daughters who have younger siblings. They're thrust into the role of 'mother' without even knowing it, meaning they're forced to take on too much too soon and sacrifice their own childhood for it, which can have lasting, damaging effects on the psyche.

Psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis outlined some of these effects, ones she's seen in her own patients, and how they impact the parentified child.

1. Over-Responsibility

Due to being parentified, these daughters often feel like their actual parents aren't there to support them, meaning they have to learn how to take care of themselves very early on. They become independent out of necessity, learning early on that they can only count on themselves to manage tough situations

This can shape them into resilient adults, but it also places an unfair burden on them at a young age, burdening them with responsibilities that children aren't meant to take on so soon.

2. Difficulties Being Vulnerable

Parentified daughters often struggle with showing vulnerability or asking for help because they've spent much of their lives being the "strong" ones. Growing up without a reliable adult to turn to, they learned to only confide in themselves.

This self-reliance, while a survival skill, can make it hard for them to accept help from others later in life. The idea of needing support can bring up feelings of anxiety or even fear, as it challenges the sense of control they’ve always felt they had over their own feelings.

3. A Desire To Help/"Fix" Others

Parentified daughters feel a deep responsibility to take care of others, often putting their own needs aside to do so. This stems from being made to care for other people in their youth, be it raising younger siblings or shouldering the burden of their parents' struggles, so they grow up thinking it's their job to be the supportive one.

As adults, this pattern carries over into their relationships, where they take on the role of the "parent" or the more mature partner. They'll feel responsible for "fixing" others, often believing it to be their only skill or purpose that has any value.

4. Being Told They're "Very Mature For Their Age"

Parentified daughters often seem more mature than their peers because of the adult responsibilities they took on at a young age. This maturity shows in how they act, communicate, and make decisions, often appearing wiser beyond their years.

However, this can lead to them being placed in age-inappropriate situations, both emotionally and physically. Many report entering relationships with older partners, seeking the familiar dynamic of being the caretaker, or feeling validated through their more nurturing roles. The effects of parentification reach far and wide in a person's life, and they can stick around for decades afterward.

5. Clinging To Resentment

Parentified daughters may carry feelings of guilt or resentment, either for not being able to meet the overwhelming expectations placed on them or for losing out on the childhood they should have had. The pressure to take on adult responsibilities can also leave them feeling conflicted, guilty for not doing enough, and resentful for having to shoulder so much at such a young age.

They mourn the loss of their child self, holding so tightly to the anger they feel when thinking about what the life they missed out on.

6. Difficulties Setting Boundaries

Parentified daughters often struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Growing up, they were focused solely on caring for others, which can make it hard for them to separate their own needs from the needs of those around them.

This difficulty in recognizing personal limits can lead to problems with personal space, boundaries, and even self-care, as they may still feel obligated to put others first, even at their own expense. Because they were shown so early that their value lies in caring for other people, they ignore their breaking points, thinking them to be less important.

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7. Difficulties Trusting Others

In adulthood, survivors of parentification often find themselves drawn to dysfunctional relationships with emotionally immature partners. Their early experiences of caretaking and dealing with their own unmet emotional needs can make it hard for them to trust others enough to speak up for themselves or feel secure.

They may struggle with intimacy, fearing rejection, or feel a constant need to prove their worth. The chaos that comes with a worse partner is more familiar to them as opposed to the fear and uncertainty that comes with being someone respectful, kind, and supportive.

8. Perfectionism

Parentified daughters often develop perfectionistic tendencies due to the pressure to meet the high expectations placed on them from a young age. They may feel the need to excel in every area of their lives, whether it's academics, work, or personal responsibilities, to prove their worth to everyone.

They strive to be perfect because they fear not being good enough. The constant and immense pressure they put on themselves to perform can easily lead to burnout, as they take on far more than they can handle.

9. Insatiable Need For Approval

Similar to the previous point, parentified daughters often develop a strong need for approval, rooted in their early experiences of seeking validation through caretaking. Growing up, they may have learned that their worth was measured by how well they supported others rather than how they uplifted themselves.

As a result, their self-esteem becomes closely tied to meeting the expectations of those around them. They may feel pressure to constantly please others, believing that their value is based on how much they can give or help and nothing else.

The Daily Struggle

There are recurring themes that appear throughout all these points, such as caretaking, responsibility, pressure, and collapse. The idea is that the uncomfortable familiar is better than something new but gentler. That one's role as a child sets up their entire life going forward.

These are the struggles that parentified daughters face every single day. If this is something you've gone through, be kind to yourself. You did all you could, and though it's scary, it's time to release yourself from the expectations and high standards you hold yourself to. It's time for you to be cared for.

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