9 Struggles That Parentified Daughters Face Every Day
When we're very young, our parents are supposed to take care of us. We're too small, too helpless, and we do not yet understand or be able to support ourselves. As we get older, we get introduced to responsibilities and tasks that help us survive, and we take on more and more of these tasks until we're fully-grown, fully independent people who can survive on their own.
For some children, though, they get introduced to far too many responsibilities way too soon, and the results of that can be damaging.
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Too Much Too Soon
To be parentified means that a child is given adult responsibilities at far too young an age. This phenomenon is most often seen in daughters, especially eldest daughters who have younger siblings. They're thrust into the role of 'mother' without even knowing it, meaning they're forced to take on too much too soon and sacrifice their own childhood for it, which can have lasting, damaging effects on the psyche.
Psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis outlined some of these effects, ones she's seen in her own patients, and how they impact the parentified child.
1. Over-Responsibility
Due to being parentified, these daughters often feel like their actual parents aren't there to support them, meaning they have to learn how to take care of themselves very early on. They become independent out of necessity, learning early on that they can only count on themselves to manage tough situations
This can shape them into resilient adults, but it also places an unfair burden on them at a young age, burdening them with responsibilities that children aren't meant to take on so soon.
2. Difficulties Being Vulnerable
Parentified daughters often struggle with showing vulnerability or asking for help because they've spent much of their lives being the "strong" ones. Growing up without a reliable adult to turn to, they learned to only confide in themselves.
This self-reliance, while a survival skill, can make it hard for them to accept help from others later in life. The idea of needing support can bring up feelings of anxiety or even fear, as it challenges the sense of control they’ve always felt they had over their own feelings.
3. A Desire To Help/"Fix" Others
Parentified daughters feel a deep responsibility to take care of others, often putting their own needs aside to do so. This stems from being made to care for other people in their youth, be it raising younger siblings or shouldering the burden of their parents' struggles, so they grow up thinking it's their job to be the supportive one.
As adults, this pattern carries over into their relationships, where they take on the role of the "parent" or the more mature partner. They'll feel responsible for "fixing" others, often believing it to be their only skill or purpose that has any value.
4. Being Told They're "Very Mature For Their Age"
5. Clinging To Resentment
Parentified daughters may carry feelings of guilt or resentment, either for not being able to meet the overwhelming expectations placed on them or for losing out on the childhood they should have had. The pressure to take on adult responsibilities can also leave them feeling conflicted, guilty for not doing enough, and resentful for having to shoulder so much at such a young age.
They mourn the loss of their child self, holding so tightly to the anger they feel when thinking about what the life they missed out on.
6. Difficulties Setting Boundaries
7. Difficulties Trusting Others
In adulthood, survivors of parentification often find themselves drawn to dysfunctional relationships with emotionally immature partners. Their early experiences of caretaking and dealing with their own unmet emotional needs can make it hard for them to trust others enough to speak up for themselves or feel secure.
They may struggle with intimacy, fearing rejection, or feel a constant need to prove their worth. The chaos that comes with a worse partner is more familiar to them as opposed to the fear and uncertainty that comes with being someone respectful, kind, and supportive.
8. Perfectionism
Parentified daughters often develop perfectionistic tendencies due to the pressure to meet the high expectations placed on them from a young age. They may feel the need to excel in every area of their lives, whether it's academics, work, or personal responsibilities, to prove their worth to everyone.
They strive to be perfect because they fear not being good enough. The constant and immense pressure they put on themselves to perform can easily lead to burnout, as they take on far more than they can handle.
9. Insatiable Need For Approval
Similar to the previous point, parentified daughters often develop a strong need for approval, rooted in their early experiences of seeking validation through caretaking. Growing up, they may have learned that their worth was measured by how well they supported others rather than how they uplifted themselves.
As a result, their self-esteem becomes closely tied to meeting the expectations of those around them. They may feel pressure to constantly please others, believing that their value is based on how much they can give or help and nothing else.
The Daily Struggle
There are recurring themes that appear throughout all these points, such as caretaking, responsibility, pressure, and collapse. The idea is that the uncomfortable familiar is better than something new but gentler. That one's role as a child sets up their entire life going forward.
These are the struggles that parentified daughters face every single day. If this is something you've gone through, be kind to yourself. You did all you could, and though it's scary, it's time to release yourself from the expectations and high standards you hold yourself to. It's time for you to be cared for.
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