9 Signs Of A Codependent, Unhealthy Relationship
There's no way to get through life without being dependent on someone at some point. The most obvious example is our parents when we're children, but we're also dependent on people like our employers, our friends, and our partners for a wide variety of things.
Of course, though, dependency can go too far sometimes. It's important to know when a relationship has developed its way into toxic codependency and what to do about it.
Codependency can form for any number of reasons, but one such reason is fear. We fear being alone, we fear judgment, and we fear making our partner unhappy.
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Wound Together
Codependent relationships can be challenging to identify and even harder to break free from. They involve a dynamic where either both parties or just one half is overly reliant on the other for emotional support, validation, and worth. This line of thinking and coveting of one's partner can quickly lead to unhealthy patterns that become difficult to escape.
Here are some of the most glaring, damaging signs of a codependent relationship so you can quickly tell when one is developing in your life or the life of a loved one.
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1. You Feel Responsible For Their Happiness
One of the most telling signs you’re in a codependent relationship is feeling responsible for your partner’s happiness. You might find yourself constantly trying to fix their problems, even at the expense of your own well-being. This creates an unhealthy dynamic where your sense of self-worth is tied to your partner’s emotional state.
While supporting your partner is natural, you are never solely responsible for their happiness. Everyone must take responsibility for their own feelings, peace of mind, and emotional health. It's not fair to put that responsibility on you.
2. You Can't Make Decisions Without Them
Another sign of a codependent relationship is struggling to make decisions without your partner's input. This can range from minor choices, like what to have for dinner, to major life decisions, such as big career moves or changes. This reliance can stifle your independence and completely halt your personal growth.
To combat this, start by making small decisions on your own and gradually work up to larger ones. Building confidence in your ability to make choices independently will help you regain a sense of autonomy and individuality.
3. Your Self-Esteem Is Tied To Their Approval
If your self-esteem is heavily influenced by your partner’s approval, both positively and negatively, that’s a clear sign of codependency. You may find yourself constantly seeking their validation, feeling worthless without it. This creates a cycle of needing reassurance and feeling anxious when it’s not provided.
To address this, focus on building your self-esteem from within. Engage in activities, hobbies, and outings that make you feel good about yourself while surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family. By developing a strong sense of self-worth, you can reduce your dependence on your partner’s approval.
4. You Neglect Your Own Needs
Neglecting your own needs and desires in favor of your partner's is perhaps the most common sign of codependency. You'll find yourself constantly putting their needs first, even when it’s detrimental to your own well-being. This leads to feelings of silent resentment and relationship burnout.
To break free from this, you must prioritize self-care and ensure your own needs are met. Communicate openly with your partner about your desires and make time for activities that bring you joy. If they're not willing to help or talk about it, it's time to cut them loose.
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5. You Have Poor Boundaries In The Relationship
Poor boundaries are a hallmark of codependent relationships. Maybe you find it difficult to say no to your partner or feel guilty when you do. This leads to a lack of personal space and an unhealthy level of enmeshment between the two of you.
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential for breaking the cycle of codependency and having a healthy relationship. Always remember, it's okay to prioritize your own needs and take time for yourself. You don't need permission to do so.
6. You Get Anxious When Apart From Them
Feeling anxious or uneasy when you're not with your partner is another one of the well-known signs of codependency. This can manifest as constant worry about their well-being, their whereabouts, or a fear of being abandoned (as well as your partner projecting all of those onto you). This anxiety can be overwhelming, negatively impacting your mental health.
Try to work on building trust and security within the relationship so there's less fear when you're apart. In times of stress, engage in activities that help you feel grounded and connected to yourself.
7. You Feel Guilty For Prioritizing Your Own Needs
Feeling guilty for prioritizing your own needs is a clear indication that something's amiss. You might believe that taking care of yourself is selfish, that your partner's needs should always come first, no matter the circumstance. This mindset can lead to chronic stress and the neglect of your mental health.
Self-care is never selfish; it’s necessary for a healthy relationship. Make a conscious effort to prioritize your own well-being and communicate your needs to your partner. They're not the only ones who deserve to be treated well.
8. You Have A Hard Time Identifying Your Own Feelings
In codependent relationships, it's common to lose touch with your own feelings, becoming so focused on your partner’s needs that you neglect your own emotional responses. This creates a lot of confusion and a sense of disconnect from yourself.
Take the time to reconnect with your own emotions through practices like journaling, meditation, or therapy. By becoming more attuned to your feelings, you can better understand your needs and communicate them effectively to your partner.
9. You Feel Trapped In The Relationship
Finally, feeling trapped or unable to leave the relationship is a strong, dangerous sign of codependency. You might believe that you can't function without your partner or that leaving would cause them significant harm, too much that you can't bear to think of it. These feelings only entrap you even when you're no longer happy in the relationship.
Recognize that you have the power to make choices that are best for your well-being. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to explore your options and build the confidence to make decisions that align with your needs. You deserve a life outside a relationship that no longer serves you.
Becoming Yourself
Recognizing the signs you're in a codependent relationship is the first step towards being free from it. This doesn't always mean breaking up, it could also mean trying to tackle the problem together via therapy or counseling. Being codependent isn't a death bell, it just means there's something that needs to be worked out.
There's a better relationship out there for you, whether with the same person or someone new, and you deserve to experience it. Take whatever steps you need to get to it.
