Stark ultimatums or strict rules can sometimes cause a relationship to be limiting or restrictive, even controlling, depending on who's saying what and how often. However, there are some instances where clearly defined rules and boundaries are necessary to protect yourself from someone who means you harm.
This can mean putting boundaries on the things they do but also the things they say, as there are some statements that should never be excused, even by a beloved partner.
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So much is said over the course of a relationship. Years and years of conversations, debates, discussions, and arguments all amount to a lot of emotional exchanges. Of course, a healthy and mature couple can handle a fight every so often, but there can sometimes be an imbalance where one-half of the relationship is the one throwing around all the harsh words. This is no longer a healthy relationship; this is just a bad partner.
We often give our significant others a lot of credit, wanting to believe the best in them, but what happens when they continuously say terrible things? If your partner ever says one of these phrases, it's an immediate call to break up with them.
It's natural to discuss feelings and concerns with your partner. Ideally, these discussions should lead to greater understanding and closeness, but if the response to your vulnerability is "you're overreacting," your partner is displaying a frightening lack of empathy and support.
Them being cagey when you bring up worries means they don't respect your feelings at all, or aren't invested enough in you to want to help you through tough times. Your feelings being minimized or painted as "incorrect" now will only lead to them dismissing you more in the future.
The statement "you owe me" can transform an otherwise loving relationship into a scorekeeping dynamic, where gestures of love are commodified rather than given freely. This approach can quickly breed resentment and reduce the relationship to a series of transactions, undermining the genuine affection and support that should be present.
If you find that your partner is pulling out this clause whenever you have a disagreement, or you make a compromise, it might be time to consider the underlying attitudes they hold about give and take in your relationship.
Receiving constant criticism from your partner can be devastating to your self-esteem. When the critique is pervasive, harsh, and insulting, it can make you feel unappreciated and incompetent. Constructive feedback and discussion are healthy, but when they cross the line into personal attacks, they stop being beneficial and just become hurtful.
We tend to let things go in the moment when dealing with someone we love, but you should never have to put up with insults from your partner. Ever.
Manipulation in relationships often comes cloaked in the guise of love, which makes it particularly insidious. The phrase "If you loved me, you would..." is a classic example of using emotional blackmail to force someone into compliance.
This type of coercion is nothing short of evil, proving that your partner doesn't respect your autonomy or personhood; they merely want you as a tool for their own desires. If you ever hear this kind of statement, it's time to shut the relationship down.
Isolation is a powerful tool used in unhealthy relationships to increase one-half's dependence on the other person. When a partner claims, "I'm the only one who really understands you," it can create a feeling that they are your sole refuge, thereby cutting off other support from friends and family.
This tactic almost always leads to increased control over your life alongside a diminishing sense of confidence and independence. Your partner is trying to make you too scared to ever leave them, meaning they should be dropped as soon as lines like this are spoken.
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This kind of talk is nothing short of demeaning, and it's a statement that implies your value is contingent upon your partner's patience or tolerance, which is not indicative of a loving, healthy relationship. Hearing these kinds of claims can make you feel unworthy and grateful for minimal affection, which is far less than what you deserve.
Your partner should feel lucky to have you around, not insist that you're lucky they stay with you at all. It's a blatant display of disrespect that you should never put up with.
Threats of abandonment or suggesting that your life would be worse without your partner can create a pervasive sense of insecurity and fear, making you afraid to ever leave them, even when they mistreat you. This tactic is designed to keep you in the relationship by preying on your fears of loneliness or failure.
A supportive, healthy partner should provide security and comfort, not threaten withdrawal as a form of control. Your life would actually be better without this person trying to convince you otherwise.
Supporting each other's personal ambitions is an important part of any relationship. You want them to have their own goals and dreams, just as you have yours. However, if your partner accuses you of being selfish for pursuing those goals, you might feel guilty and abandon the things you're passionate about to placate them.
This kind of talk severely undermines your individuality and discourages you from pursuing personal success, success that they fear will cause you to leave them. Leave them anyway, as they clearly don't care about your interests, desires, and dreams for the future.
There are a lot of terrible people out there, ones who use statements like these to lock down their relationships. They're so insecure, so sure that any partner will leave them, that they have to turn to threats and manipulation to ensure people stick around.
Their insecurity is no reason to mistreat you or anyone else. If they can't manage themselves maturely in a relationship, then they shouldn't be in one at all, though they'll continue to feel entitled to one. As soon as a partner says any of the statements above, you need to break up immediately. Make it clear that these tactics will never work on you.
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