We've all encountered a time when we sacrifice our own happiness for someone else's. We want to make the lives of the people we love better, and sometimes that means giving up something ourselves.
This usually isn't a problem, though it can feel bad. When this becomes all someone does, though, when it's their only response to any sort of issue, that's when it becomes something worse, something that impacts the lives of everyone involved.
People-pleasing behavior starts young, often as a response to neglect or other types of trauma in our childhood.
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People-pleasing is a habit that begins forming in childhood. The way we're raised, the friends we have, the way we're disciplined—these can all later lead to someone becoming an excessive people-pleaser. Though making people happy and being selfless may sound good on its face, it can come with a whole host of issues, many of them affecting the pleaser's relationships.
Here are just some of the habits a people-pleaser like yourself might have and how they impact your relationships.
People-pleasers often struggle to set boundaries, fearing that doing so will make them appear selfish or unkind. They might agree to tasks they do not have the time or energy for simply to avoid disappointing others. This often leads to them feeling overwhelmed, overburdened, and taken advantage of.
Those feelings compounded over time and usually lead to a lot of bitterness. You may feel unappreciated, especially if these favors or acts of service aren't reciprocated. Learning to set boundaries and say no (as well as understanding when to say no) will help prevent these feelings of guilt mixed with exploitation.
People-pleasers, when they do overtly make a mistake they can't dodge the consequences of, will often overcompensate in their apology. They might go overboard with it, turning it into a grand, emotional gesture in hopes they make amends and regain the other person's approval.
This rarely helps, though, nor does it make the other person feel better a lot of the time. All it does is make you appear insecure and overly desperate to please. Going so far into theatrics can also make your apology seem inauthentic or performative, even if you're being genuine.
Seeking constant approval from others is a common and often notable habit of people-pleasers. They might frequently ask for reassurance or validation, hoping to only ever gain acceptance and avoid criticism.
Relying on external validation only erodes self-worth and never builds it, as you begin to believe that your value is only determined by other people. This habit creates a very unhealthy dynamic in your relationships. You rely too much on the other person to feel secure, and the other person is now unwillingly holding your mental health in their hands, which isn't fair to them.
People-pleasers often put their own needs on the back burner, prioritizing others' desires over their own every time. They'll skip self-care, cancel plans they were excited about, change their decisions, and ignore their own well-being to cater to someone else's needs. While selflessness can be admirable, this behavior as a constant can swiftly lead to burnout.
It also leaves you feeling wrung out, especially in relationships. It creates a one-sided dynamic where your well-being is always being compromised, whether or not the other person intends to do so.
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Hiding true feelings to avoid upsetting others is another habit of people-pleasers. They might smile through pain or pretend to be okay when they're not, fearing that expressing their emotions will cause discomfort, conflict, or disapproval in some fashion.
Of course, hiding and bottling up your emotions doesn't help anybody. You're left feeling frustrated and pent up, while other people are left unable to handle any situation properly because they don't know how you're really feeling. Hiding your true self behind a facade only harms you. No relationship can be built on lies.
People-pleasers often take on the emotional burdens of others, feeling responsible for their happiness. They'll instinctively offer unsolicited advice or try to fix problems that are not theirs to solve. This habit isn't only emotionally draining for the people-pleaser but for the other party, too, as even simple venting sessions become about the pleaser's desperate attempt to help somehow.
Always wanting to fix (or at least take some sort of responsibility for) someone else's feelings, struggles, and complaints prevents them from learning to manage things themselves. Hindering someone else's ability to solve their own problems fixes nothing for anyone here.
Avoiding conflict is a typical behavior for people-pleasers. They might go to great lengths to prevent disagreements, often agreeing to things they do not want or changing the subject when tensions rise. While maintaining peace is important, avoiding conflict can lead to unresolved issues and built-up resentment. Some things need to be talked out, even if it's hard!
Sweeping problems under the rug does not make them disappear. Instead, it allows them to fester and grow, eventually leading to larger conflicts and an ever-increasing emotional distance within your relationships.
Lastly, and as a result of all the habits listed before, people-pleasers often lose themselves in the pursuit of making others happy. They sacrifice their hobbies, passions, and sense of self to conform to others' expectations. They put all of their energy into maintaining other peoples' happiness only to feel none of it themselves.
Neglecting your own identity only leads to feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction. You can't find yourself in the problems of other people, and no amount of praise or love from the outside will teach you what's within. Only you can do that by living your true life.
People-pleasers tend to feel like victims, and while manipulative people who purposefully take advantage of people-pleasers exist, more often, pleasers wear themselves out with their own decisions.
Unlearning this type of behavior is tough. It involves being actively selfish (well, not really selfish, but it feels selfish compared to your old way of living), but it's truly what's best! In the end, this is your life. You're never going to feel fulfilled by living for other people.
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