When entering a new relationship, do you ever make rules? Lay groundwork? Set limits, boundaries, and lines for your partner to not cross? They may sound harsh, but these are all very important for the health of a relationship, ensuring that nobody accidentally does something their partner might resent them for.
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Navigating a relationship isn't always a walk in the park, even though it means working with someone you love to make your relationship even better. Though any conversation, action, or habit can cause a rift between a couple, there are certain things that are much more likely to raise doubts in you or your partner about whether your relationship should continue.
This has even been professionally researched, so these specific actions are actually scientifically proven to ruin more relationships on average.
A 2022 study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology surveyed a group of students to find out why people choose to stay in or leave a relationship. The study was led by University of Nicosia Professor and Psychologist Menelaos Apostolou, and originally involved over 200 students with an average age of around 30 years old. Roughly 39.1% were in a relationship, 26.4% were married, and 27.2% were single.
First, Apostolou asked the students what things their partner could do that would negatively impact their desire to stay in a long-term relationship with them.
The answers collected from the first group were then studied and condensed into data, then presented to a second group of over 500 students, who were asked which of the reasons listed would also cause them to end a long-term relationship with someone.
The demographic makeup of the second group was similar to the first, though there were substantially fewer married folk at 17% and more singles at 36.6%. However, 28% of the people in the second group also had children, a point that becomes very important in studies like these.
Once all the data was finalized and collected, Apostolou identified 88 different acts that could hurt a relationship. He sorted those 88 acts into six categories for easier understanding.
So, what were the six categories? What overarching ideals and actions could put your relationship at risk? This list was as follows:
- Does not care about me
- Does not treat our children well
- Tries to control me
- Shows interest in other people
- Exhibits abusive behavior
- Has undesirable traits
The most important factor was the first, the belief that one's partner doesn't actually care about them. It was ranked the highest among the offenses and had the respondents most ready to jump ship should it ever become a problem. The study described this category as "including neglecting, not showing interest, not having time, ignoring, and being distant from a partner."
The second most detrimental factor was not treating their children well. The rest were rather close, meaning peoples' concerns are generally spread evenly across these categorizations.
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In a report on this study for Psychology Today, author Arash Emamzadeh brought up the difference in scoring made by singles, writing, "Singles, compared to individuals in a relationship, also rated these factors more negatively. Why? Possibly because people who are seriously dating or married have… a greater tendency to overlook unpleasant behaviors."
He believes that because singles have no current investment, no current relationship that they've already put a lot of time into, so they can afford to be pickier at the start.
Age and gender also played roles in the responses. Emamzadeh noted that the 'does not care about me' category was ranked much higher on average among younger respondents, which could be related to nerves around long-term commitments.
Women were also more likely to rank the top three categories (not caring, treating children poorly, and being controlling) a lot more negatively than men did, which Emamzadeh said could stem from women being "more selective in choosing partners, especially long-term mates."
While these categories might appear vague at first glance, they provide very strong guidelines as to when to put your foot down in a relationship if you suspect you're being treated less than the way you deserve. It also gives a clear, simple way to keep one's own behavior in check, able to steer away from any drastic decisions that could be made in the heat of the moment.
Of course, relationships are extremely nuanced. There are a million things, big and small, that can spell the end of a couple, but knowing the main causes can help both halves be aware of their actions and create a happier, healthier environment for love to flourish.
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