6 Hurtful Things Adult Children Say To Their Parents When Lashing Out
If you have kids, there's no doubt that there will be some sort of parent-child conflict at some point. Most commonly, this happens in rebellious teens, but it can also reappear once the child becomes an adult, moving away from home and developing their independence away from their parents.
In that time, differences can form, resentments can fester, and less communication can create room for misunderstandings. This may cause your child to lash out, saying some rather hurtful things in the process.
Dealing with struggles from all angles can really weigh a person down, preventing us from reaching for what we truly want.
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Harsh Words
Transitioning to adulthood is a challenging journey filled with financial instability, personal setbacks, and mental health struggles. During these turbulent and often confusing times, adult children may lash out at their parents, saying hurtful and disrespectful things as an expression of their personal pain.
Now, that doesn't mean parents are blameless. In fact, these outbursts are often caused by their over-involvement or other moments of disrespect. Here, you'll learn what lies behind the more hurtful things your adult children can say and what your response should be.
"You Always Compare Me to Others"
Comparisons can be deeply hurtful, especially when struggling to find one's path. When an adult child says, "You always compare me to others," it reflects their feelings of inadequacy and the pressure you may unknowingly (or knowingly) place on them. These feelings come from a place of frustration and low self-esteem, especially if the 'others' you're comparing them to are siblings or other family members.
Parents can respond by acknowledging the hurt and expressing their support for their child's life. You always want your kid to do their best, but that shouldn't come at the detriment of their mental health.
"You Make Everything About Yourself"
When adult children accuse their parents of making everything about themselves, it often signifies feelings of being misunderstood or neglected. This statement can be particularly jarring as it suggests a lack of empathy or self-awareness from the parent's side.
To address this, parents should focus on active listening and validation. It doesn't matter what you think you sounded like, not when your child is hurt by your actions. Regardless of your intention, your child is in pain, and your focus should be helping them, not defending yourself.
"You Don't Respect My Boundaries"
When an adult child feels their boundaries are not respected, especially if they've been stated before, it feels like a betrayal. It shows that they feel smothered, pressured, or crowded, not to mention disrespected by their own parents. Either you're hovering too close to them, or you're not listening to their wishes. Either way, it hurts.
Parents can address this by acknowledging the importance of boundaries and committing to respecting them. Apologize for overstepping, have a conversation about what specific actions they were hurt by, and learn to avoid them in the future.
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"You're Always Criticizing Me"
Constant criticism and judgments about your child's life or habits can wear away their self-esteem and stop them from communicating honestly with you. When your adult child says you're always criticizing them, it means they need positivity and support from you, not put-downs.
Parents should focus on providing constructive feedback and expressing genuine appreciation for their child's talents, wishes, and life. Criticism often comes from a place of love, and surely you love your child, but this isn't the way to show it. It'll only cause pain, no matter what your intentions are.
"You Never Help Me When I Need It"
Feeling unsupported can be incredibly isolating. When an adult child says, "You never help me when I need it," it reflects their sense of abandonment and unmet needs.
Parents should respond by expressing their willingness to help and asking for specific ways to provide support. A helpful response might be, "I'm sorry you feel unsupported. I want to be there for you. How can I help you in a way that meets your needs?"
"I Don't Owe You Anything"
Phrases like this one often come when a parent feels entitled to some aspect of their children's life, to the point where it becomes frustrating for said child. You may demand a lot of performance, information, or time from them, not respecting their independence.
Parents should acknowledge their child's need for space while also communicating their care. You might be insistent about some things out of love or simply want to know what your child is up to without you there. That's fine on its own, but it can overstep, and you have to accept when you've gone too far.
Hashing It Out
Navigating hurtful comments from struggling adult children requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to open communication. People only lash out when they're pushed to, so don't take their words as simple overreactions. If they're hurt enough to say something so rash, something must be wrong.
So talk about it, express your worry, and most importantly, be open to listening to what they're saying to you. Trying to combat their feelings won't help either of you. Listen, try to understand, even if you don't agree. Healing can only happen if compassion leads the way.
